House'd

Act 1

Setting: Halloween @ Sports/Only Bar in Farmville VA

"OMG you dressed as House, I love that show... you even kind of looks like him"

(thought to myself: no Tink I was going for Patch Adams but at least you got my profession right, and seriously you are a senior in college and you dressed like TINKERBELL!? )

aloud: "Haha everyone tells me that, so why not right?

Through-out the night Tink and I continued to run into each other and as intoxication sets in I even offer up a celebrity photo op which she jumps on. Unfortunately the said photo was subsequently removed from Facebook and had to be recreated. That night last call was announced everyone returns to their designated residences and back to lives as themselves.

Act 2
Setting: Longwood University Library

Although, not the most highly visited places of my collegiate career, but because I had a senior paper to write and 5 seasons of Curb Your Enthusiasm to rent before I graduated I managed to swing by the library a little more frequently. Who else was always working the library check out line 9 times out of 10 than Tink. Way to go Tink you went from never-never land and never growing up to working a job in which the average age is 76. Either way I am not sure if I ever acknowledged this girl while at the library and I am confident this matters not. As far as I am concerned being intoxicated at levels I am used to being at is akin to having an alter ego, and thus friendships made while under the influence do not necessarily transfer over to reality.

Act 3
Setting: Sports/Only Bar in Farmville VA/ Thursday night hang out

As soon as I turned of eligible age to consume alcoholic beverages in the Common Wealth of Virginia, I spent every Thursday night at the same bar, with the same people, drinking the same 4 dollars pitchers (not 4 dollar bottles). On this particular Thursday my alter ego was informed by my roommates that they would be heading home, to which I declined a ride knowing full well that it would work out… when does it not? It wasn’t long after their departure that I was hollered at under the assumption my name was still, “House”.

“Yes? Oh Hey Tink, whats up” etc. “All my roommates left and I am about to catch a ride back with Kristin (at the time dating my roommate), you trying to roll”

It was that easy, my apparent celebrity status had wooed this innocent librarian-in-training back to my apartment hand in hand with myself. She rode back in a car that under every circumstance should have had people ready to wet their pants with laughter as soon as they had their own doors shut and locked behind them. Yet everyone locked it up got me back.

Act 4
Setting: My apartment room (no chance we did anything but B-line in there avoiding anymore human contact)

Up until now I was under the impression that Tink attended church regularly and was working the library job as a means to get her nose in as many books as possible. To those of you who spend your life judging a book by its cover, ignorance might be bliss, but it is certainly not dirty librarian sex. I put on a movie to which I don’t remember nor is it pertinent to the story other than to illustrate that I am about as proficient at initiating a random hook up as I am at running marathons.

Anyway, we are watching the movie and I used some lame ass line to get things on there way, and we were off. I think it took all of 5 minutes to relieve Tink of all the clothing she had worn over to which I remarked that I had in my mind she was some innocent girl with gold stars next to all her required Sunday school memory verses. I had the cynical Dr. House image to uphold, she certainly was not sticking to her innocent one. Either way, she took this as a challenge got my clothes off, a condom on, and intercourse initiated quicker than it took me to type this sentence.

I wasn’t aware that somewhere over in the DVD section at the library I frequented so often while rattling off seasons on Curb that there was porn, but apparently Tink knew where to find it, and wasn’t afraid to take quotes from such stars as Jenna Hayes and Katrina Banks. And to my further astonishment she wasn’t calling me House anymore, she was throwing out my name in-between fowl suggestions she certainly would not be regurgitating to her priest on Sunday.

Now, I need to point out a unique problem/gift, depending on how you look at it, that I have. I don’t really get whiskey dick. It always works, the degree of how well it works while intoxicated varies but none the less a semi-solid 4 is better than a flimsy 2, right? It’s not like you drive a Ferrari, you have made due with a Honda all your life. While not preventing intercourse one thing that is out of the question while this drunk is any sort of orgasm. Tink, who held up four fingers upon me asking her what her count was, did not find this news amusing and decided if any of the multiple ways we had banged that night wasn’t going do it, then she was going to have to rip off this obnoxious cum receptacle and begin felating the shit out of my dick. What a girl finds attractive about a latex/ lube tasting BJ is far beyond my grasp, but I am never one to argue with such thing and let her fight the facts. She lost, and in a way I guess I did too, as par for the course no such orgasm was had.

Time to cling to the edge of the bed and go to sleep.

Act 5
Setting: Reality

I woke up knowing full well Tink would still be there. After 30 minutes of making noise moving around my room I gave up on the subtle wake up approach. On my way out of my room I shook Tink’s Foot to let her know she needed to catch a ride now or she’d be walking the mile back to Campus.

Prologue:

Within the next few days Tink was dating a guy I knew who lived in the apartment building next to mine. Not that I wanted to date this girl, but it was readily apparent to myself and anyone who knew of this incident (car passengers and subsequently any person who ran in my regular circle) that her new boy was a large elevator ride down for her little dancing with the stars episode. And although I managed to never run into these two as a couple I did run into Tink a week later while sharing a beer with my girlfriend and crew on campus at the twice a year concert/ beer garden. Luckily, that awkwardness was soon shattered by my girlfriend falling over the plastic fence barrier designed to keep out all those not of age to enjoy in a beer.